


if my wishes came true (it would've been you)

by fraudulentzodiacs



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Rads is a Good Friend, Temporarily Unrequited Love, so is Jessi Kohout
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:40:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25592935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fraudulentzodiacs/pseuds/fraudulentzodiacs
Summary: “I love you. I’m in love with you.”The words are out there. The secret he’s kept for so long he forgot when it started. He stares at the floor, at the wall, at the weird art piece Katie had insisted on and left when she went back to L.A., out toward the pool house they’d turned into a gym during the pause.Looks anywhere but at Jamie.
Relationships: Jamie Benn/Katie Hoaldridge (past), Jamie Benn/Original Female Character(s), Jamie Benn/Tyler Seguin, Tyler Seguin/Original Female Character(s), Tyler Seguin/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 30
Kudos: 221





	if my wishes came true (it would've been you)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Folklore project on the RPF discord. Basically, 7k+ of Tyler being sad.
> 
> Shoutout, as usual, to @kkane88 for being the best beta ever.

“I love you. I’m in love with you.”

The words are out there. The secret he’s kept for so long he forgot when it started. He stares at the floor, at the wall, at the weird art piece Katie had insisted on and left when she went back to L.A., out toward the pool house they’d turned into a gym during the pause.

Looks anywhere but at Jamie.

He can hear Jamie breathing, heavy and fast, but no matter how hard he tries he can’t bring himself to look at him. His heart is hammering in his chest, his skin is itchy and hot, and he wants to turn and run out of Jamie’s house. Wants to pretend that he hasn’t just ruined the most important friendship in his life.

“Ty…” Jamie’s voice is rough, uneven, and Tyler shakes his head.

“No, it’s – it’s fine.”

“I just…I don’t…” Jamie sighs, and Tyler knows without looking that he’s running his hands through his hair. “I don’t feel…that way. About you.”

“I know,” Tyler whispers, the final tiny shred of hope he’d held in his heart fading away.

“I’m sorry.” Jamie sounds sincere, and it’s that that has Tyler finally looking up at him. His eyes are wide, worry and confusion etched there and Tyler – Tyler  _ loves _ those eyes, has from the moment they’d met, and the last thing he wants to see there is pity. Pity for him and his pathetic, unrequited feelings.

“It’s okay.” He lies, because it’s  _ not _ . He’s loved Jamie so much for so long and he  _ wants _ him and it’s  _ not fair _ . He desperately wants Jamie to love him the way he does, and he’d known – he’d  _ known _ – that it was going to be this way. Jamie was still getting over Katie, was still putting the pieces of his heart back together, was still moving on. But, more importantly, Jamie was  _ straight _ . Tyler knew that, knew that he could never feel the same way about him, and yet…

Well, Tyler never claimed that he was smart.

“I’m gonna go.” He tells Jamie.

“You don’t have to.” Jamie reaches out to him and Tyler steps just out of reach.

“I really do.” He insists, especially when he feels tears burn in his eyes. “I need to…it’s not your fault, but I can’t be around you right now.”

Jamie looks like he wants to apologize again, and Tyler thanks the universe when he doesn’t. Instead, he just nods and Tyler turns away. He doesn’t run out of the house, but it’s close, and he suddenly regrets riding his bike instead of driving because he can’t get out of there fast enough. He manages to make it home, to the couch where he can collapse with his boys surrounding him. Gerry and Cash take either side of him, nuzzling against him. Marshall can’t quite make it up to the couch anymore, settling at his feet. He reaches down and scratches him behind the ear, and it’s then that the first tear falls. A shaky breath escapes him, and then he’s doubled over, great heaving breaths between sobs that rack his entire body. He curls up, eventually, the dogs adjusting to accommodate him. His cries slowly subside, and eventually he’s just left feeling hollowed up. He’s not sure how long he lays there, but the sun is low in the sky when his doorbell rings. The dogs perk up, rushing for the door, and for one foolish moment Tyler thinks that maybe it’s Jamie. His heart clenches in his chest, and he does his best to shake it off. There’s no way that it’s Jamie, but he still prays that it’s not. He knows that he can’t handle seeing him again.

Instead, when he opens the door, it’s Rads on the other side. He’s got a bag of food in one hand and a six pack in the other, and his smile falls when he gets a look at Tyler.

“You look like shit,” he tells him, and Tyler scoffs.

“What are you doing here?”

“Chubbs call me, tell me you maybe need friend. So, here I am.” He lifts the food and beer, and Tyler chuckles.

“Yeah, okay.” He lets him in, takes the food and drink so Rads can greet the boys, and sets it down in the kitchen as Rads follows. He pops the top on the beer, hands one to Rads, and takes a long sip from another.

“You want to talk about it?”

“Nope.” Tyler replies immediately.

“Okay, we drink instead.”

“Yep.”

He puts a movie on, they eat, work their way through the six pack until Tyler’s full and a little tipsy and picking at the label of his beer.

“I told him.” Tyler mutters, staring at the brown glass. “About how I feel about him.”

“Chubbs?” Rads asks, and whistles at Tyler’s nod. “Sorry, man.”

“’S okay.”

“It’s not.”

“I knew he didn’t feel the same way.” Tyler shrugs.

“Still, you deserve to be happy.” Rads nudges his knee against Tyler’s and Tyler pushes back. “Maybe, now that you know, you can be happy with someone else.”

“Maybe.” Tyler picked at the label again.

“Chubbs maybe not feel the same way as you, but would want you to be happy. I know that much.”

“Yeah.”

They – blessedly – have a day off the next day, and Tyler sleeps his hangover off and spends the day moping around the house. He knows heartbreak, but this…this feels different, like someone has reached into his chest and is squeezing his heart until it cracks. He’s loved Jamie, been in love with Jamie, for so long that it feels like it’s part of who he is as a person. The thought of letting that go makes him want to crawl under the blankets and never come out. Makes him wish that he had never said anything, kept his feelings to himself, because at least then he could pretend there was a chance.

Rads texts him, and Segs feels bad because he really has never appreciated what a good friend his liney is. He offers to come over again, but Tyler tells him that he’s okay and he doesn’t need to be babysat.

_ Not babysit _ . Rads texts back.  _ You favorite. _

He still says no, chooses to go for a run and makes sure it’s in the opposite direction of Jamie’s house. He blasts his most obnoxious workout playlist, something he makes sure has absolutely no songs about love or heartbreak. Cranks Lil Jon and Ludacris and drowns out his broken heart.

They have practice the next day, and Tyler’s never dreaded a practice like he does this one. He’s a bundle of nerves the entire drive to the rink, has something like a panic attack sitting in the parking lot. His knuckles are white where he grips the steering wheel, his breaths coming in short pants. He stares at the rink through the windshield, forcing himself to calm down.

_ It's just Jamie _ . He tells himself.  _ You were in love with him two days ago and he wasn’t, nothing has changed _ .

When he finally grabs his bag and heads inside, Coach gives him a look for being late but doesn’t say anything. He’s a leader on the team, he’s usually one of the first players on the ice, but today he just…he can’t. He spots Jamie on the other side of the room, already geared up and watching him while trying to seem like he’s not. They lock eyes for a moment, and Tyler looks away before he can linger. His stomach churns, unease coursing through his veins and he  _ hates this _ . He’s worked so hard to make a home in Dallas over the years, and he refuses to fuck it up because he can’t control his goddamn heart.

Thankfully, Coach seems intent to mix things up and he doesn’t end up on a line with Jamie for the entire practice. He feels Jamie’s eyes on him constantly, but he refuses to take the bait and look back. He has to let this go, has to move on, and he can’t do that if he keeps getting lost in Jamie’s wide, sad, fucking cow eyes. He sticks close to Rads and Ty Dellandrea, feels something click on a line with Rads and Robertson. Jamie skates close to him a few times, but Tyler manages to get away every time. He knows that the team can tell that something’s wrong. Tyler’s not following Jamie around like a lovesick puppy dog. He hears Roope tell Guri that ‘mom and dad are fighting’ and he doesn’t have the energy to tell them to cut it out. It’s like the moment he steps off the ice that all of his drive leaves him. He leans against the wall as he showers, dresses with his head down, and turns down Bish’s offer to go to lunch. He’s almost made it to his car when he hears Jamie’s voice calling to him. He quickens his pace, fumbles with his keys, and makes it all the way to grabbing the door when Jamie wraps a hand around his bicep.

“Segs, wait.”

“Please let go of me.” Tyler stares down at the door, his voice soft, but Jamie lets go.

“I just…wanted to check on you.”

“I’m fine.”

“Really? Because you won’t even look at me.”

“Jamie, please,” Tyler begs. “Just…I appreciate you sending Rads to check on me. I even appreciate you worrying about me. But, I can’t…I can’t do this with you right now. I need some space.”

“Okay.” Jamie steps away, sticking his hands in his pockets. “I get that. I just…I still care, y’know? You’re still important to me.”

“I know.”

“Will we be okay? Eventually?”

“Sure,” Tyler promises, realizes that he means it. “You’re still my best friend, Chubbs. I just need time.”

“Okay, yeah I can do that. Just…I’m here, when you’re ready.”

“Okay.” Tyler musters up a hint of a smile, and Jamie’s shoulders droop in relief.

“Good.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Weeks pass, and Jamie is true to his word. He keeps his distance when he can, is respectful and professional when he can’t, and it still hurts but it doesn’t feel like Tyler’s coming apart at the seams anymore. He looks at Jamie, and he’s still as desperately in love as ever, but his chest aches a little less every day. When he scores against the Preds in OT, Jamie crashes into him and he can smile back at him. Jamie’s grin seems to grow wider, but Tyler’s soon distracted by the rest of the team.

He lets the guys convince him that they need to go out and celebrate a hard-fought win, and they end up at some faux-country bar a few blocks from the Preds arena. Tyler’s set to nurse a beer until Rads and Pavs start pressing shots into his hands. He’s at the bar ordering another beer, pleasantly tipsy, when he feels someone step into his space.

The guy is tall, a few inches taller than Tyler, with light brown curly hair and nicely groomed stubble. It’s the eyes that get him, though, wide and friendly and just the right shade of chocolate brown. He smiles, and Tyler smiles back.

“Buy you a drink?” The guy asks, and Tyler nods. “I’m Kyle.”

“Tyler.”

“You here with anyone?”

“Just the boys.” Tyler gestures toward the tables the team had commandeered, and Jamie’s…Jamie’s watching him. Tyler turns away and takes the beer that the bartender hands him. “You?”

“In town for work.”

“What do you do?”

“Finance. You?”

“Fitness.” Tyler lies. It’s his standard line, something that he’s knowledgeable enough about that he can get away with it without giving up his actual profession. They talk while drinking their beers, and Kyle’s nice enough. Not someone he’d want to date seriously – that rarely happens – but he’s not pushy and he has a kind smile. And those eyes…

“Wanna get out of here?” Kyle asks, and Tyler nods, finishes the last of his beer. He lets Kyle guide him out of the bar with a hand on the small of his back and refuses to look back at the team on the way out.

Kyle keeps a hand on his thigh in the Uber, but doesn’t make a move until they’re in his hotel room. As soon as the door closes behind them, he pushes Tyler against the wall. His kiss is searing, confident, has Tyler’s toes curling. It’s been so long, and he might not be who Tyler wants, but he’s hot and Tyler grinds down on the thigh he slots between Tyler’s legs.

“You’re so hot.” Kyle murmurs against his jaw. “What do you want?”

“You could fuck me.” Tyler suggests, and Kyle growls.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

It’s good, better than Tyler’s had in a long time. Kyle’s rough the way that Tyler likes, takes control and gets them both off in a way that leaves Tyler boneless. He catches his breath as Kyle takes care of the condom and cleans them both up before collapsing on the bed next to Tyler.

“You can stay,” he tells him, running a finger along Tyler’s spine.

“Can’t, early flight,” Tyler replies, but he lets Kyle continue to touch him for a few more minutes. Finally, knowing that he’ll drift off soon if he doesn’t move, he rolls out of bed and goes in search of his clothes. He gets his suit on, stuffs the tie in his pocket, and turns to find Kyle watching him.

“I’m guessing I won’t see you again?” He asks, a small smile on his face, and Tyler shrugs.

“I’m not really…you’re nice, but I’m kind of getting over someone.”

“That’s cool. I had fun, though.”

“Me, too.” Tyler leans over the bed, kisses Kyle one more time, and leaves.

They fly back to Dallas the next morning, and it’s the first time that Tyler feels like Jamie’s avoiding him rather than just giving him space. They sit on opposite ends of the plane, Tyler next to Rads and Jamie with Dickie, and then when they land in Dallas Jamie goes straight for his car without a word to any of them. Tyler knows that Jamie saw him leave with Kyle last night, but he’s seen Tyler pick up guys and girls dozens of times over the years and never batted an eye. The only thing that’s changed is that Jamie knows that Tyler’s in love with him. It makes anger boil up inside of him, the idea that Jamie’s mad that Tyler went out and found a dude willing to fuck him while he's trying to get over Jamie. He stalks over to his car, slams the door, and peels out before Jamie can even turn his truck on.

Tyler stews in his anger for two days before they have morning skate. They’re playing the Habs that night, and Tyler refuses to look in Jamie’s direction for anything other than hockey. Their line with Guri is clicking, and Tyler’s mad and hurt but he’s not going to fuck with their team’s chemistry. He passes to Jamie, smooth as ever, and does his best to appear normal.

He's cooling down on the bikes when Jamie finds him, stands in front of Tyler until he pulls a headphone out of his ear.

“What?”

“Can we talk?” Jamie asks, and Tyler scoffs.

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Look, you’re mad at me and I don’t know why. I did what you asked, I’m giving you space.”

“Yeah, and then you don’t talk to me for days because I picked up.”

“What?”

“I know you saw me leave with that guy in Nashville.” Something unreadable flashes across Jamie’s face, but it’s gone just as quickly.

“Segs, who you sleep with is your business.”

“Yeah, it is.” Tyler snaps, and just like that Jamie’s furious and it makes Tyler freeze.

“You have to stop this.” He growls. “You have to stop holding it against me because I’m not fucking in love with you. I can’t help it that I don’t feel the same. I’m sorry, but I don’t.”

Tyler stops, stares at Jamie, and deflates as if his strings have been cut.

“You’re right.” Tyler climbs off of the bike, wipes his face with a towel. “I’m sorry. I just…it hurts. But I shouldn’t take that out on you.”

“It’s okay. I just want my best friend back, man.”

“Yeah. I’m getting there, I promise.”

“Okay. Do you want to grab lunch with me and Bish?” Jamie looks hopeful, and Tyler nods. The tentative, hopeful smile that he gets back is worth it.

They’re not where they were, but something slots back into place in Tyler’s life once Jamie’s a factor again. It still hurts, he still  _ wants _ , but it also feels right to have Jamie around again. They never hang out alone – Tyler makes sure of that – but it’s something approaching normal.

The season grinds on, but they win more than they lose and that’s something. Tyler’s lighting it up, and slowly but surely his heart hurts a little less every day. He can look at Jamie and not always feel like his heart’s in his throat.

He meets Layla at Bish’s Christmas party. She’s tall, athletic, curls and dark skin and Tyler’s enamored almost immediately. She’s funny and smart – working on her doctorate, way too smart for Tyler – and he asks her on a date before leaving the party. They go for coffee, then dinner a few nights later, and when Tyler kisses her he doesn’t think of Jamie for the first time in months.

They’re not in a relationship, not serious, but she agrees to come with him to the team’s New Year’s Eve party. She sticks close to him until Andrea and Alandra pull her away to introduce her to the other WAGs. Jamie appears almost immediately, two drinks in hand. Tyler takes one with a smile.

“Layla seems nice.”

“She is,” Tyler confirms. “She’s a friend of Andrea’s.”

“Yeah, I remember her from the Christmas party. Moving kind of fast, though.”

“We’re not, like, boyfriend and girlfriend. I needed a date and she was available. I like her.”

“That’s good. I’m glad.” There’s something in Jamie’s tone that Tyler can’t place but he refuses to think too hard about it.

“Where’s your date?” Tyler chirps, and seeks out Jessi in the crowd. Jordie was back in Vancouver, but Jessi and her daughter were in Dallas through the holidays. Jessi appears as if summoned, a little tipsy and leaning on her brother-in-law’s arm.

“I’m here!” She greets.

“Having fun?” Jamie asks, and Jessi nods enthusiastically.

“I love that kid, but I haven’t been out like this in months.”

“That calls for a shot,” Tyler informs her, and Jessi takes the arm he offers as he leads her away from Jamie and toward the bar. He orders something sweet and fruity, and they throw them back easily. Jessi orders another cocktail and they wander out to the relatively deserted balcony overlooking downtown Dallas.

“Do you miss home?”

“Sometimes. Vancouver’s nice, but it’s not Dallas.” Jessi smiles into her drink. “It’s okay, though. I have my little family. Dallas, Montreal, Vancouver, doesn’t matter. Jordie’s my home.”

Tyler smiles, but he thinks it’s tight and Jessi sighs before dropping a hand on his arm.

“He’s an idiot.” Tyler’s eyes snap up to her and she rolls her eyes. “Of course he told Jordie.”

“He’s not an idiot. He just doesn’t feel the same.”

“He-“ Jessi begins, sighs, then starts again. “I’ve known Jamie a long time, and Jordie’s known him his whole life. I don’t know what he feels for you, but I don’t think you were misreading the situation. I don’t think what he feels for you is entirely platonic.”

“I…” Tyler’s heart is in his throat, and he has to look away from Jessi.

“I’m not saying you should do anything about it. If you’re moving on, that’s good, because I don’t know if Jamie will ever be ready to do anything about it. He’s my brother-in-law, but you’re my friend and you deserve to be happy. Even if it’s not with him.”

“I just, I can’t hope anymore.”

“I get it.” He lets her pull him into a hug, resting his head on her shoulder.

The team and their spouses gather together as the clock ticks toward midnight, and somehow, he ends up pressed between Layla and Jamie. He can hear Rads behind him, nudging his back as they count down from ten. Jamie leans over and kisses Jessi’s cheek as the crowd cheers. Tyler’s looks over and Layla’s smiling, so Tyler kisses her welcoming smile. When he pulls away, he feels eyes on the back of his head and turns to find Jamie watching him.

“Happy New Year, Segs.”

“Happy New Year, Chubbs.”

Layla becomes a steady presence in his life. They don’t label it, and the one time Tyler brings it up Layla laughs and tells him she’s too busy for a boyfriend. Still, she comes to games when she can and they double date with Bish and Andrea and it’s…nice. He’s not in love with her, but it’s fun and she’s beautiful and Tyler feels lighter as they head into the end of the season. They’ve got a good streak going, their playoff spot is secure barring some disaster, and Tyler’s feeling better than he has in months.

Then, Jamie shows up to a team night out with  _ Hannah _ .

She’s cute, absolutely Jamie’s type – lean, blonde, gorgeous – and she clings to Jamie’s arm as he introduces her to the team and the WAGs. Tyler wants to hate her on instinct, but she smiles softly at him when Jamie introduces him and immediately asks about his dogs. She’s  _ nice _ and Tyler suddenly wishes Layla had been able to make it so at least he wouldn’t be alone watching them together. Big Rig’s girlfriend eventually pulls her onto the dancefloor and Jamie takes the stool next to Tyler’s.

“Where’d you meet her?” he asks, and Jamie blushes.

“Uh, online.”

“Jamie Benn, on dating apps? Never thought I’d see the day.”

“I just thought, y’know, it’s time to move on.”

“She seems nice.”

“She is,” Jamie shrugs. “A little clingy, but it’s nice, having someone again.”

“I’m happy for you.” Jamie stares at him for longer than Tyler’s comfortable with before he nods.

“Thanks. I’m happy for you, too. You and Layla are good together.”

“Yeah.” Tyler drains his drink. “I’m going to go get another drink. You want something?”

“Nah, I’m good.”

Tyler doesn’t mean to, but he’s completely trashed by the time they pour out of the club. Jamie’s on one side of him, and he thinks it’s Rads holding up his other side, but the ground is spinning and he can’t focus.

“Are you sure?” He hears Jamie ask, and Hannah laughs.

“Get him home. I’ll be fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Okay, babe.” He thinks he hears them kissing and makes sure that he’s looking at the spinning ground instead.

“You got him?” Rads asks, and then he’s being manhandled into a car. He presses his cheek against the window, lets the coolness seep in as Jamie climbs in after him.

“Chubbs?” He asks, his breath fogging up the window.

“Yeah?”

“I’m really drunk.”

Jamie chuckles, and it warms a secret place in Tyler’s heart. “Yeah, you are.”

“Thanks for taking care of me.”

“Always.” Tyler thinks he feels warmth against the side of his hand, resting on the seat between them, as if Jamie’s inched his hand closer to his, but he’s too tired to lift his head to check.

They pull up to his house, and Tyler’s sober enough by then to at least help Jamie get him to the front door. He fishes his keys out of his pocket and presses them into Jamie’s hand before leaning against the wall. The dogs attack them as soon as they enter the house, particularly Jamie since they hadn’t seen him in months.

“Hey, guys,” Jamie greets them as he gets Tyler into the foyer. “Wait here, I’m going to get them outside.” He disappears after that, and Tyler manages to make it to the kitchen where he can watch Jamie herd the dogs out with practiced ease. He slips past Tyler to grab a bottle of water from the fridge and hands it to Tyler.

“You need to drink this.”

“Aye-aye, captain.”

“You’re an idiot.” Jamie grins, shakes his head.

“You love me.” The words slip out of Tyler’s mouth without a thought, and  _ god _ he must be drunker than he thought because Jamie’s gaze turns serious as he replies “I do.”

Tyler doesn’t respond, twists open the cap of his water and takes a huge gulp.

“I, uh, I think I’m gonna head to bed,” He says after a long moment, but when he moves for the stairs he stumbles a little. Jamie catches him immediately, and it’s the first time he’s touched Tyler outside of hockey in  _ months _ and Tyler wants to sink into it. He looks up and Jamie’s face is inches from his, close enough that he can feel the fast puffs of Jamie’s breath on his skin. Tyler’s breath catches in his throat when the back of Jamie’s fingers brush his cheek, then down along his jaw.

“Ty…”

“Please.” Tyler begs, and he’s not sure if he’s begging Jamie to stop or never stop. Jamie’s eyes flick down from Tyler’s to Tyler’s lips and back again, and Tyler’s entire body is singing with alcohol and  _ Jamie _ . He wants to close the space between them, press his lips to Jamie’s, but he can’t. This has to be Jamie.

“You’re drunk.” Jaime points out, and Tyler shakes his head.

“Sober enough.” Tyler thinks Jamie’s going to kiss him, but a moment later his shoulders sag and he rests his forehead against Tyler’s.

“I can’t.”

“I know.” Tyler presses a hand to Jamie’s chest and pushes until Jamie leaves his space.

He doesn’t look back before going upstairs, trusting Jamie to let the boys back in before leaving.

He wakes up with a hangover, but there’s a glass of water and two painkillers on his nightstand waiting. He knows that it was Jamie, but he refuses to think about him moving around Tyler’s room while he was asleep as he swallows the pills. He checks his phone, swipes away everything but a  _ you alive? _ text from Rads. He sends back a thumbs up emoji and jumps in the shower. Most of the night is a blur, but he remembers Jamie leaning into his space with startling clarity. He thinks back to his conversation with Jessi, and her conviction that Jamie has feelings for Tyler makes his gut clench. He had been so sure that Jamie was going to kiss him, despite Layla and Hannah and the fact that Jamie is  _ straight _ .

Then, he remembers the way that Jamie had pulled away, told him that he  _ couldn’t _ like kissing Tyler was something painful, something that he would have to force himself to do because the idea was repulsive to him.

Tyler’s tears wash away in the shower.

Layla breaks up with him a few weeks later. Tyler’s not sure if you can actually call it a breakup if they weren’t ever officially together.

“I like you, but I’m not in love with you.” She tells him, lying in bed. “And you’re not in love with me, either.”

“No.” Tyler admits.

“Hard to fall in love when you’re already in love with someone else,” she replies gently, running a hand over his chest. Tyler wants to tense, wants to deny it, but he’s so  _ tired _ .

“It doesn’t matter,” he says instead, and Layla grasps his chin and turns his head until he’s looking at her. “He doesn’t love me back.”

“You deserve someone who is proud to be with you.”

“Maybe.”

“No, not maybe. I care about you; I don’t like that you’re suffering like this.”

“I…” Tyler starts, swallows down the lump in his throat. “I don’t know how to stop. Loving him.”

“Maybe you don’t.” She suggests, a gentle smile on her face. “Maybe you learn to lock that love away. Set it aside so you can start something new.”

“But not with you?”

“No, not with me,” Layla confirms, kisses his chest.

“Hey, man, where’s Layla? Haven’t seen her around lately,” Rads asks a few weeks later, as they’re boarding a plane to Carolina.

“Yeah, we, uh…that’s over.”

“Oh. Sucks, bro,” Dickie tells him, and Tyler shrugs.

“It wasn’t ever serious. Just ended. It’s cool, she’s cool.”

“You’ll find someone.” Rads claps a hand down on his shoulder, and Tyler lifts his gaze to find Jamie watching him from where he’s standing in the aisle.

“Yeah, sure.” Tyler turns away and slides into his seat, Rads following a few moments later.

Jamie corners him after the game, dressed in his game day suit again.

“Dinner with Brutes?” he asks, and Jamie nods.

“Yeah, just waiting for him to finish up.” Jamie fiddles with his phone before pocketing it. “Hey, I’m…uh, I’m sorry about you and Layla.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m here, y’know, if you need to talk or something.”

“No offense, Chubbs, but you’re really the last person I want to talk to about this shit.”

“Right.” Jamie tenses, and Tyler squashes down the guilt he immediately feels. “Sorry.”

“Just-“ Tyler sighs, stands so he doesn’t feel so vulnerable sitting while Jamie’s standing. “I’m fine. It really wasn’t that serious.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, eh?”

“’Course. Have fun with Tyson.” Tyler wants to watch him go, but forces himself to sit back down to his shoes so he can finish getting dressed and get on the bus. It takes a long moment before he hears Jamie’s steps disappear.

Tyler’s settled in for a night of Netflix in his hotel room, stripped down to his boxers, when he hears a pounding on his door. He throws on a pair of sweats and opens the door to find Tyson’s frowning face, Jamie hanging off of him.

“He lost his keycard, but he remembered your room number.”

“Uh.”

“Do you mind taking him?” It’s way after curfew, and if they go in search of a second keycard now, they’ll get a lecture from Coach in the morning. “I don’t really want to leave him alone.”

“Yeah, sure.” Tyler relents, and wraps Jamie’s other arm around his shoulders so he can help Tyson drag him in. Jamie mumbles as they jostle him, but he must rouse enough to realize what’s going on when they drop him onto the bed. He stares up at Tyler and Tyson, his grin growing wide when he looks directly at Tyler.

“Ty,” he says, breathless, with something like awe.

“Yeah, buddy. Have fun?”

“Mmm,” Jamie hums, reaching up like he wants to grab Tyler. When it becomes clear that he can’t reach him he turns and curls up in the bed, grabbing the pillow Tyler had been leaning against and smashing his face in it. A moment later, he’s snoring softly and Tyson scoffs, shaking his head.

“You got this?” He asks, and Tyler nods. He leads Tyson back to the door, and he can tell that Tyson wants to say something, hesitating by the exit.

“Hey, uh, is like…” Tyson grimaces, like he’s in physical pain. “Is something going on? Between the two of you?”

Tyler freezes, his heart stops, and he looks back quickly to where Jamie’s sleeping. “Uh, why?”

“Well, he was pretty drunk, but he kept…well, he kept talking about you. Like, I don’t know. I’ve known him most of my life, and the way he was talking about you…”

“Yeah, there’s…there’s nothing. No.”

“Oh.” Tyson seems surprised, stares at Tyler then Jamie and nods. “Okay.”

“Thanks for getting him back safely.”

“Sure.” Tyson opens the door. “See you, Segs.”

Tyler turns back to the hotel room once the door closes. Jamie’s sprawled across the bed. He could grab a pillow and sleep on the floor, but…well, it’s his hotel room and they have another game tomorrow and he wants to actually sleep. Jamie’s the one inconveniencing him, and if he wakes up uncomfortable with the fact that they slept in the same bed, then he can fucking deal.

He shoves Jamie’s dead weight until there’s enough space for him to lay down. He can feel Jamie’s body heat radiating along his arm where they’re closest. Jamie’s breath is hot against his shoulder, and if Tyler thought that was a lot it’s nothing compared to when Jamie shifts, flops an arm across his waist and pulls until he can rest his cheek on Tyler’s shoulder. His beard is itchy against his skin, but Jamie hums and settles.

Tyler stares at the ceiling and is determined not to cry.

He wakes the next morning to an empty bed. He listens for the telltale signs of a shower running and finds none. There’s no sign of Jamie anywhere, and Tyler flops back onto the bed with a heavy sigh.

Jamie won’t look at him at team breakfast, makes sure half of the team is between them as they load onto the bus and then the plane, and by the time they land in Montreal Tyler’s too emotionally drained to care. He sticks close to Rads and then peels off from the group as soon as his keycard’s in his hand.

They grind, but Price gets a shutout and the team decides that they need to drown their sorrows with the help of Montreal’s nightlife. Jamie seems content to nurse a beer, and Tyler does the same. They don’t have a game the next day, but Tyler figures better safe than sorry knowing what’s happened the last couple of times that he or Jamie had had too much. They sit on separate sides of the booth the team’s commandeered, and Tyler’s content to chill with his boys until he goes for a refill and finds a dark-haired guy sliding into the space next to him. He’s only just shorter than Tyler, but broad, arms thick in a way that Tyler appreciates.

“Buy me a drink?” the guys asks, and Tyler nods.

“I’m Tyler.”

“Nick.”

That’s how, twenty minutes later, he ends up grinding against Nick on the dancefloor. His hands grip Tyler’s hips, holding him close as Tyler loops an arm around to grip the back of his neck. It’s nice, hot, and Tyler finds himself  _ wanting _ . He turns in Nick’s arms, shooting him a smirk that has Nick’s eyes glinting. He’s about to ask if Nick wants to come back to his room when he feels a familiar hand on his shoulder.

“Segs, we’re leaving.” Jamie’s voice carries over the noise of the bar.

“Okay, see you guys in the morning,” Tyler throws over his shoulder, and Jamie’s grip tightens.

“Come on, we have an early flight tomorrow.”

“I’m a big boy, Chubbs.” Tyler snaps, twisting away from Nick to find Jamie much closer than he thought he was. “I don’t need you to babysit me.”

“Tyler…”

“Leave me the fuck alone.” Jamie stares into his eyes for a moment, as if he’s going to argue with him some more, but then he drops his hand and turns away with something like hurt on his features.

“You need to go?” Nick asks, and Tyler shakes his head.

“Your place?”

Nick is gentle, gentler than Tyler’s used to, but he lets Tyler settle onto his lap as they make out on his couch. Tyler grinds down against him, but he can’t get the image of Jamie out of his head and it’s slowly but steadily starting to piss him off. He thinks about Jamie, looking equal parts irritated and hurt and…and  _ what right _ does he have to be hurt about  _ anything _ that Tyler does? He groans, out of frustration more than arousal, and redoubles his efforts to focus on the hot dude underneath him. He braces himself by gripping Nick’s shoulders, tries to lose himself in the moment, but instead it’s all  _ Jamie _ and Tyler eventually pulls away. Nick smiles up at him, somewhat wryly, and settles his hands on Tyler’s waist.

“This isn’t happening, is it?”

“I’m sorry.” Tyler’s voice is sincere, and Nick shrugs.

“It’s cool. It was that dude, wasn’t it?”

Tyler thinks about lying, but Nick didn’t seem to recognize either of them, so he shrugs.

“He’s…”

“In love with you.”

“What?” Tyler climbs off of Nick’s lap – it seems inappropriate to talk about another guy while sitting in his lap.

“Yeah, I mean, you can kind of see it from space.” Nick chuckles. “You wanna talk about it? Sometimes it’s easier with a stranger.”

“He…he doesn’t – he doesn’t want to be with me.”

“That sucks.”

“But then he doesn’t want me to be with anyone. A guy, anyway. I was seeing this girl for a few months and he seemed cool about it. But then…”

“Maybe it’s easier for him to see you with a girl, because then he can’t imagine that it’s him instead,” Nick suggests, and Tyler shrugs.

“Maybe. But he has a girlfriend, so.”

“I had a girlfriend, too. Several. Doesn’t make me any less gay.” Nick bumps his shoulder against Tyler’s, and it’s comfortable despite the fact that they only met two hours earlier. “He’ll figure it out.”

Tyler gives Nick his number before he leaves. He may not want to fuck the dude, but he seems like a solid guy and Tyler could always use a friend. He gets an Uber back to the hotel, takes an empty elevator up to his floor, turns the corner and stops and the sight of someone by his door.

It’s Jamie – because of course it’s Jamie – seated on the ground by his door, back pressed against the wall and his head in his hands. He must not hear Tyler approach, and Tyler considers leaving him there, but everything about his body language screams  _ tired _ and Tyler still loves him despite everything.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, leaning against his door, and Jamie’s head snaps up to him. His eyes are exhausted, rimmed in red, and Tyler’s heart stutters in his chest. Jamie stares at him, his mouth opening and closing as if he can’t find the words he wants to say, and Tyler sighs and opens his door. “Come on.”

Jamie follows, his suit rumpled from sitting on the ground for god knows how long, and Tyler strips out of his jacket as he watches him pace the small room. He finally settles on staring out of the window, his back to Tyler. Tyler approaches him cautiously, slowly, and he thinks that Jamie senses him getting closer but doesn’t move. Tyler stares at his back, everything about him so familiar to Tyler but also feeling that there’s been a distance between them for months that neither can seem to cross. He finally reaches out, rests a hand on Jamie’s shoulder.

Jamie doesn’t freeze, doesn’t flinch away like Tyler expects. Instead, he seems to sink into it, his shoulders drooping, and then he places a warm hand over Tyler’s. Tyler can’t remember the last time they were this close, the last time his skin touched Jamie’s, and his breath hitches despite his best efforts. He leans forward, rests his head on Jamie’s back, lets his cheek rub against the fabric of his suit jacket. It’s the closest he’s felt to Jamie in months and he wants to soak it up as much as he can until Jamie leaves again.

“Jam…” He whispers, not sure what he wants to say, but it doesn’t matter because it seems to spur Jamie into action. He turns, and Tyler stumbles back but he’s stopped by Jamie’s hands grasping his face. Whatever Tyler’s going to say is cut off when Jamie presses his lips to Tyler’s.

Tyler had always imagined their first kiss to be something passionate, lustful, hot and hard and fast. This is…this is  _ gentle _ , and Tyler whimpers as he opens up underneath Jamie. He kisses him softly, holds Tyler’s face as if he’s something precious and breakable, and in that moment Tyler feels like he could crack at any second. He clings to Jamie’s arms, wants to deepen the kiss but lets Jamie control the pace. His skin tingles, his heart feels like it’s going to beat out of his chest, but then he remembers.

Rejection.

Heartbreak.

_ Hannah _ .

He pulls away, fights Jamie’s attempt to keep his lips on his, and opens his eyes to find Jamie’s eyes inches from his.

“Jamie…”

“I’m sorry. I know, it’s not fair, I’m sorry.”

“You have a girlfriend.”

“I know.”

“You’re  _ straight _ .”

“I  _ know _ ,” Jamie snaps, but doesn’t pull away from Tyler’s grip.

“You don’t love me.” Tyler wrenches himself from Jamie’s arms.

“I…” Jamie starts, and Tyler shakes his head.

“You don’t,” he confirms. “You  _ can’t _ love me, and I’ve spent months accepting that. And you can’t kiss me because you’re having some kind of…gay panic, or something, or you’re curious or you can’t stand the idea of me moving on and not being completely fucking in love with you anymore. It’s not fair, you owe me more than that, Jamie.”

“I…” He starts again, and Tyler shakes his head.

“I’ve wanted you for years and, yeah, it would’ve been great if you felt the same. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be the one for me. But you aren’t, and I can’t keep doing this with you. You have to let me move on.”

Jamie stares at the ground, and Tyler can only imagine what he looks like, what those eyes he loves so much would tell him.

“I’m going to go,” Jamie finally mumbles, and Tyler nods despite the fact that Jamie’s not looking at him.

A wet, shuddering breath escapes him as the door shuts with a decisive ‘click.’

They make it through the rest of the roadie, and even though he and Jamie barely speak, it’s not laden with tension like it was in the past. Maybe this is it, Tyler thinks, what’s between them is finally done and all it took was one soul-crushing, heartbreaking kiss that Tyler can’t stop thinking about.

They land back in Dallas and have a couple days off before the last game of the regular season, so Tyler soaks up time with his boys and does his best to relax and not think of Jamie. He has dinner with Layla one night, who chides him once he tells her what happened.

“He kissed you?”

“Yep.” Tyler makes an exaggerated pop on the ‘p,’ and Layla shakes her head.

“And then you made him leave?” There’s a hint of judgement in her voice.

“He didn’t mean it,” he tells her, and she raises one perfectly shaped eyebrow.

“Did he tell you that? Did he say it didn’t mean anything? Because I don’t know Jamie that well, but I feel like he wouldn’t kiss you if it didn’t mean  _ something _ .”

“He has a girlfriend.” Tyler squirms uncomfortably in his chair.

“Yeah, that sucks.” Layla shrugs and takes a sip of her drink. “But maybe he’s trying?”

“It’s too late,” he tells her, ignores the ache in his chest as she stares at him.

“Is it ever too late when it comes to you and Jamie?” She asks, and Tyler doesn’t answer.

He points his car toward home after hugging Layla goodbye, but he shouldn’t be too surprised when he ends up pulling into Jamie’s driveway instead. He sits in the car, tries to convince him to turn around and go home, but instead he stares through the windshield at Jamie’s front door.

_ One more time _ . He tells himself.  _ Be brave one more time _ .

It takes Jamie a long time to answer the door, so long that Tyler almost thinks he’s not going to answer at all. When he opens the door, his eyes widen as he takes Tyler in.

“Can I come in?” Tyler asks, and his voice is rough to his own ears.

“Uh, yeah.” Jamie steps aside, and Tyler slips by him. He wants to walk in further, but he freezes when Jaime speaks.

“I broke up with Hannah.” Tyler wants to speak, say something, but he feels like his heart is caught in his throat. “I never should have dated her in the first place.”

Tyler turns, and Jamie’s looking straight at him, more sure and determined than Jamie’s seen him in months.

“It wasn’t fair. To her, to me, or to you.”

“Me?” Tyler finally manages to get out.

“Ty…” Jamie looks like he wants to step into Tyler’s space, and as much as Tyler wants him to, he’s glad when he doesn’t. “I know that I’ve hurt you for a long time. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t believe me or if you won’t forgive me, but…”

“You can’t even say it.” Tyler deflates, feels his heart crack in his chest, and turns back toward the door only to be stopped by Jamie grabbing his hand in his own. He stares down where their fingers intertwine, rubbing his thumb along Tyler’s skin. When he finally looks up, Tyler’s heart skips a beat at what he sees there. He reaches up with his free hand, runs the tips of his fingers along Jamie’s jaw. “Please say it.”

Jamie leans into Tyler’s touch until he can press a kiss to Tyler’s palm. “I love you,” he whispers into Tyler’s hand. Tyler lets the moment linger, lets Jamie gather his bearings until he can look at Tyler again. “I love you.” He says again. “I only want to be with you. I only want you to be with me.”

It’s everything that Tyler’s wanted to hear for years, but Jamie’s right. He doesn’t believe him, can’t let his heart hope that this is real, that Jamie will  _ stay _ .

“Jamie…”

“Give me a chance to prove it to you?” He interrupts, squeezing Tyler’s hand that he’s still holding. “You deserve that. Let me show you.”

“You really mean it?” Tyler asks, and Jamie nods.

“I mean it. You’re it for me.”

Tyler wants to laugh, wants to cry, wants to run, wants to never leave this room. Instead, he leans in and closes the distance between them. It’s more familiar than their first kiss, something like coming home, and Jamie lets go of his hand in favor of wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him closer. They stay like that, kissing until Tyler’s lips feel raw and his knees weak. When he pulls away, Jamie’s lips are red and puffy, his hair a mess from Tyler running his fingers through it. He looks debauched, and absolutely Tyler’s.

“Take me on a date?” He asks, and Jamie chuckles as he grips his waist tighter and nods.

Tyler kisses him again. 

**Author's Note:**

> come shout about dumb hockeys with me on tumblr @bennsseguin


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